30-Day Writing Challenge: Day 12

I apologize in advance if you’re reading this. Today’s thoughts go in different directions  because of different work inspiring varied thinking. But the overall theme may be Avoid Attempts at Perfection. Anyway, here goes.

Today’s 30-DC exercise is to write a piece of no more than 4 pages using 10 random words. You can use the random word generator at http:/www.textfixer.com/tools/random-words.php to get your list. 

My random list included gutsy, innocent, headphones, bet, bitter, honeybee, boar, stallion, heretic and ghoulish. 

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The gutsy reporter covered the Trial of the Century. 

It ended. 

Innocent, the jury said.

In his headphones, he heard recordings of people betting on the outcome. 

Some bitter more for losing their bets than for the loss of justice. 

As he looks out the stairwell windows, he notes the Honeybees buzz around the courthouse courtyard garden. 

The Boar Hunt hangs still in the court lobby, with the man-topped stallions chasing down the wild creature. 

Always chasing, never catching it. 

To think the natural order was upset by one story is a heretical thought. 

To think the appetite of the ghoulish readers would be sated, ust as unnatural. 

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Not my best piece of writing. But one thing this 30-Day Writing Challenge is making me understand and accept is that all writing need not be perfect. Perfection, the most elusive of goals. I remember my mentor, Tim, telling me as I was finishing graduate school and student teaching, “You know the best thing that could happen to you, Gaboury? A ‘B’.” He knew that my unending quest for perfect grades was an obstacle to overcome. Do your best. Learn. Those are the goals. Not perfect grades. 

So I’m learning to accept the imperfect, and to be okay with it. Maybe it will make my writing even better. 

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I began doing curriculum writing under a Culturally Relevant Education model today. It was a similar experience of trying to learn and grow. One activity was to read an article or watch a 14-minute video and write something in response. I watched the video, 

”Calibrating Ideas About Culturally Responsive Teaching with Zaretta Hammond” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nMK1nepwvk). 

I ended up writing a poem. I share it here. It’s not perfect. But perfection is the great Danger: Turn Back sign on the road of creativity. 

The Incident

I remember seeing two students standing, staring across the room at each other.

I remember the uncomfortable feeling of the staring

The stillness

The unspoken tension.

I remember that the tension was not specifically tied to racism

But it definitely seemed that way.

One student was from the Dominican Republic,

The other was not.

I don’t remember the conversation or trigger for this standoff.

I remember not knowing how to handle it.

I remember making sure it didn’t erupt into anything physical,

That the two didn’t  move toward each other.

I don’t remember what I said.

I remember the bell ringing,

Signalling a welcome change of classes.

I remember being alone in the classroom after all the students left.

I remember fighting not tearing up,

Hard to control the tears perching at the periphery,

Awaiting permission to fall freely.

I remember dreading the arrival of the next set of students.

I remember a friend walking by or walking in.

I remember them asking what was wrong.

I remember controlling myself enough to ask them for help,

To watch my next class.

I remember feeling that I couldn’t face them,

The raw feelings held in check,

but not as tightly as usual.

I remember walking down the hall to be alone.

I remember walking down another hall to talk to one of our school psychologists.

I remember him offering me a mini candy bar

And listening.

I remember talking to him for more than a half hour,

Letting many feelings pour out.

I remember him being understanding.

I remember him telling me I should go home for the day.

I remember him calling me later to check on me.

I remember feeling that this, for me, really had nothing to do with race,

That it had more to do with the lack of rapport that I was seeing.

That it had more to do with the lack of camaraderie that I was feeling 

in the school environment,

In the classroom environment 

That I was trying to create.

I remember the feeling of helplessness

Not having the vocabulary to address this,

But only the tears and frustration that it happened

That it happens every day

And feeling that I could do nothing about it.

I remember a couple years later,

Teaching the younger brother of my Dominican student,

And mentioning this incident.

I remember him telling me that it was just a joke,

That his brother and the other student were just goofing around.

I remember feeling stupid

Because I didn't have the vocabulary

Or the experience to handle this

In the classroom

Or within myself.

I realize that teachers cannot know everything,

Even though I never pretend to.

About our curriculum

About our students

About ourselves.

But not knowing can lead to welcome surprises

If you are open to them.

I realize that humans can’t control the world,

And solve all the problems,

Even though we want to.

I realize that all we can control is OUR part of the world,

And how we interact with others,

And how we can avoid causing problems

Intentionally or not.

Racism is not new,

And it’s not going away.

I am not new,

And I’m not going away.

Racism cannot “learn,”

But I can.

I don’t need to remain ignorant 

About ignorance.

I can learn vocabulary.

I can learn strategies.

I can listen to others.

I can listen to my students,

Regardless of where they are from,

And value their identity

And individual genius.

And cry again,

But this time with united tears of joy.

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